goodbye january.

hello 2010.
january entered harshly, so yesterday, i was filled with anticipation as it drew to a close. today i'm starting my new year. one month short, but happily so!

the month was filled with hardship. i wasn't game for speaking of it, until recently when i realized that people like to offer encouragement, and getting it off your chest helps it go away! so...i really should back up to before christmas. chris and i discovered we were expecting another baby. this was unplanned and a little hard for me to handle on its own. (i like to plan...be in control...ha!) i came around to it, and even got a little excited. but all along, something felt strange. chris and i thought we were just "in denial" because i didn't seem pregnant. i didn't even feel pregnant. then on christmas eve (in the morning), i started spotting. this is normal for a lot of pregnant women, but not me. i've never had that lead to something good. i tried to not panic, keep my attitude positive. i made it through the week and we decided to go to our friends (dan and elin's) bi-annual new years eve party. it is such a fun place to be - great friends, food, etc! it was relaxing and distracting, although i never totally shook my nerves. we spent the night at chris' folks with the kids. lo and behold at 5:30 on january 1, i awoke to terrible pain. i was miscarrying. we called my midwife for input and we all agreed i could go through this one at home (things were progressing "normally"). i had a previous miscarriage in between the kids that i spent some time in the er with. (a terrible experience) a week went by and i was beginning to feel better, physically. (forget emotions for now) but then it just kept going....i went to see my midwife 2 weeks later, still with discomfort abdominally and still bleeding. they checked me for anemia - i was ok (shockingly so). they checked my HcG levels, and, well, they were still a little high. this was also shocking and gave room to all kinds of thoughts. there was mention of twins. there was mention of being further along than thought. hopes rose and fell frequently throughout my days. my midwife wanted me to wait another week for more bloodtesting and asked me to rest in the mean time. i don't do that well. finally, the results of blood test #2 showed a decline in HcG, although it was still above a "not pregnant" level. the bleeding stopped. my body is starting to feel a bit more normal now, but not totally.
now we'll talk emotions: roller coaster.
there you go. i feel manic. crazy. pathetic. weak. like a disappointment. like a failure. like people who love me are judging me. stupid. i'll spare you and stop there.

so depressed probably sums it up. but that is not all the time. not even most of the time. but when it hits, oh boy. niagara falls. all i can say is...my poor family. thank god they love me. we had to tell stella in a child-friendly way and she was so relieved. she thought something terrible was going on (we just had a death in the family - an uncle died of cancer...i think she thought i was dying!)

so today is february. valentines day is coming. my birthday is coming. i'm going to start knitting a new sweater today. i'm getting back into life. its going to be hard at first. but, slowly, life will pick up.

i'm so thankful we are where we are right now. (in elverson, near our church, surrounded by a loving community of believers) this entire time, we've been reminded of God's love for us. He is not a god of "do this, i'll do that." for some reason, these things happen. pregnancies lost, jobs lost, homes lost, friends lost, family lost, confidence lost........ and the hope is that through them, we will turn to our Friend, our King, and walk on the water to His outstretched hand. the impossible is possible. He wants us walking with Him, relating to Him, conversing with Him. He will quiet the storm.

i'm ready to get out of this boat.