cold january.

as i did last year, i am waiting for january to be over again this year.

january 4th. at 11 weeks pregnant, everything seemed good...until that fateful moment of "let's hear the heartbeat." my midwife searched for a bit, got a "better doppler," all to no avail. there was not a heartbeat to be found. the following day confirmed my greatest fear. the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks; however, my body hadn't accepted that truth yet.
january 7th. my mom and chris sat with me in pre-op as i waited to have a d&e. it was a long hard day.
the weekend was one of recouperation. much needed rest, time with chris and the kids...rest with family.

monday, we began a new path.

my dad has had a difficult 7 months. he had broken his back in the summer. spinal fusion surgery in october. december delivered some good news...a negative battery of testing for bladder cancer. we celebrated christmas together feeling relieved. however, in the back of our minds, we knew something was askew. he was going downhill, and we didn't know why. january 10 began the road to discovery. x-rays, cat scans, mri's, neurosurgeons, neurologists....by thursday we were dealing with the fact that my dad has a brain tumor on his brain stem. his chest is filled with enlarged lymph nodes, adrenals, an "infiltrate" in his right lung (i've been told since that that is fluid of some sort), and a node on his thyroid. tomorrow we will accompany him to an oncologist to learn more.

yesterday i drove chris and the kids to the airport to head to orlando. our family was to be in orlando and go to disneyworld this week. instead, i drove back to my parent's to help my mom, as care for my dad is intense. my nephew and sisters have been bearing the load...i was anxious to get there and be with them. i have had a wonderful time with them. last night we were all there...lura's small church came over to worship in my folk's living room. dad was exhausted, but we got some good conversation in before bed. it's been a long time since lura and i slept over together! but what a joy to wake up at 6am to go with him to wawa for his daily coffee! his mornings are his best times. alert, strong, and able to get around. we got coffee. donuts. came home for breakfast together. we talked and helped him write and check email. he wanted to go again, so my mom, dad and i went out to the carwash and for lunch. by this time, he began to get very tired. by the time we were home, he was absolutely exhausted. my mom and i got him in bed for a nap and he began to weep. he asked me to please read psalms to him. i read psalms 118 and 93before tucking him in.

i want to count this all joy...but it is hard sometimes. i continue to look to the example of peter, as he walked on water to jesus. he looked at the waves around him, and sank, fearing he would drown. i know that suffocating feeling of despair and hopelessness very well. however, i also know the comfort and peace of our Savior and God. i know that keeping my eyes on Him, he will reach out His right hand and pull me up out of the waves so that i can walk on water again.

Isaiah 41:10, 13

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.