i can't find many words today.
i'm home after 2 long days and nights waiting with my dad. being home is good. i need to be with my family and rest. but it is hard to not be right there. so this morning as i was praying for dad and baby luke*, i found comfort in these 2 places.
Psalm 147
Praise the LORD!
For it is good to sing praises to our God; For it is pleasant and praise is becoming.
The LORD builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the outcasts of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
He counts the number of the stars; He gives names to all of them.
Great is our LORD and abundant in strength; His understanding is infinite.
The LORD supports the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground.
Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving; Sing praises to our God on the lyre,
Who covers the heavens with clouds, Who provides rain for the earth, Who makes grass to grow on the mountains.
He gives to the beast its food, and to the young ravens which cry.
He does not delight in the strength of a horse; He does not take pleasure in the legs of a man.
The LORD favors those who fear Him; Those who wait for His lovingkindness.
Praise the LORD, O Jerusalem!
Praise your God, O Zion!
For He has strengthened the bars of your gates; He has blessed your sons within you.
He makes peace in your borders; He satisfies you with the finest of wheat.
He sends forth His command to the earth; His word runs very swiftly.
He gives snow like wool; He scatters the frost like ashes.
He casts forth His ice like fragments; Who can stand before His cold?
He sends forth His word and melts them; He causes His wind to blow and the waters to flow.
He declares His words to Jacob, His statutes and His ordinances to Israel.
He has not dealt thus with any nation; And as for His ordinances, they have not known them.
Praise the LORD!
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
our troubles make us weep and wail as our hearts break. but we can take that to our Father. He will take us in His arms and give us true comfort.
this song kept popping into my head, and when i turned on the radio, there it was.
*for those who are interested in praying for baby luke, he is about 3 weeks old now. he was born with a valve problem in his heart. he has had surgery to repair that and all was going well. he is currently not doing well, as he got an infection and has sepsis. this is not good. please pray for him to be healed and for his parent, abby and ryan. this is their first baby.
also...the update on my dad...there's been alot of waiting. we think he will have the surgery today to his femur. mom and dad had a consultation w/ a specialist from hershey today. he thinks surgery is the right decision. then radiation and chemo. one day at a time. one hour at a time....sometimes we need to only be in the minute. thanks for continuing to pray.
28 January 2011
26 January 2011
waiting.
this is the hard part.
waiting for results.
waiting for surgery.
waiting for tests.
waiting to eat.
waiting to sleep.
waiting to ..........
last night brought devastating news. the preliminary results of dad's biopsy revealed a very rare and difficult cancer. sarcoma. maybe.
chris, the kids and i went to the hospital right after our dinner. dad was fighting sleep, as he was receiving more blood, and with that benedryl. the benedryl makes him tired, dry and anxious. he wanted oxygen and his heart monitor again. chris took the kids home and i stayed with mom and dad. mom tried to sleep in the recliner chair next to dad, and i slept on the "bed." i say that, because it's really glorified concrete. harder than a wood floor, i tell you. well, from 11:30 until 4 am, dad was up almost every half hour with anxiety, needing to urinate, wanting the tv on, not wanting the tv on....it was rough. at 4, mom was so exhausted that we switched spots. she might have slept a bit in the bed, but at 4 dad was ready to be awake. we tried to rest a little. i helped him roll over onto his side, where he is more comfortable. he reached out and we fell asleep holding hands. i want that to stay in my heart and brain forever. when sleep left...about 45 minutes later, we sat up to read the bible. then came the time for "action news"...a snow storm coming.
my sisters both struggled to get here. the roads were terrible. however, they both arrived in (God's) perfect timing. dad was taken down to pre-op around 9. they drew more blood to cross check it again. as we waited, andrea arrived. we went upstairs to meet with the oncologist. as we got off the 8th floor, lura arrived. as we waited in dad's room, dr. reddy (the oncologist) arrived. he began to show us dad's pet scan and talk about just what it is he sees when the phone rang. the surgeon called off dad's surgery due to new pathology results. not just a sarcoma, but an angiosarcoma. this involves blood vessels going to the tumor, and had there been surgery, dad could have blood profusely...perhaps fatally they said. dad came back upstairs and we all started to process the news.
angiosarcoma doesn't respond well to chemo and radiation. the typical treatment is surgery, but dad's is appearing in at least 3 places, perhaps more already.
right now, he is having an angiogram. this is where they look inside his arteries to see if there are any vessels feeding the tumor. i just spoke to an x-ray tech who said they were doing well, and just started embollizing. this means there are blood vessels involved. they are blocking them so that they can do the femur surgery without bleeding. this might happen tomorrow.
i feel like i was punched in the stomach. this is hard to take. however, we are comforted. it feels like the most chaotic rollercoaster...yet there is peace.
so now we wait.
I remain confident in this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
-Psalm 27:13-14
waiting for results.
waiting for surgery.
waiting for tests.
waiting to eat.
waiting to sleep.
waiting to ..........
last night brought devastating news. the preliminary results of dad's biopsy revealed a very rare and difficult cancer. sarcoma. maybe.
chris, the kids and i went to the hospital right after our dinner. dad was fighting sleep, as he was receiving more blood, and with that benedryl. the benedryl makes him tired, dry and anxious. he wanted oxygen and his heart monitor again. chris took the kids home and i stayed with mom and dad. mom tried to sleep in the recliner chair next to dad, and i slept on the "bed." i say that, because it's really glorified concrete. harder than a wood floor, i tell you. well, from 11:30 until 4 am, dad was up almost every half hour with anxiety, needing to urinate, wanting the tv on, not wanting the tv on....it was rough. at 4, mom was so exhausted that we switched spots. she might have slept a bit in the bed, but at 4 dad was ready to be awake. we tried to rest a little. i helped him roll over onto his side, where he is more comfortable. he reached out and we fell asleep holding hands. i want that to stay in my heart and brain forever. when sleep left...about 45 minutes later, we sat up to read the bible. then came the time for "action news"...a snow storm coming.
my sisters both struggled to get here. the roads were terrible. however, they both arrived in (God's) perfect timing. dad was taken down to pre-op around 9. they drew more blood to cross check it again. as we waited, andrea arrived. we went upstairs to meet with the oncologist. as we got off the 8th floor, lura arrived. as we waited in dad's room, dr. reddy (the oncologist) arrived. he began to show us dad's pet scan and talk about just what it is he sees when the phone rang. the surgeon called off dad's surgery due to new pathology results. not just a sarcoma, but an angiosarcoma. this involves blood vessels going to the tumor, and had there been surgery, dad could have blood profusely...perhaps fatally they said. dad came back upstairs and we all started to process the news.
angiosarcoma doesn't respond well to chemo and radiation. the typical treatment is surgery, but dad's is appearing in at least 3 places, perhaps more already.
right now, he is having an angiogram. this is where they look inside his arteries to see if there are any vessels feeding the tumor. i just spoke to an x-ray tech who said they were doing well, and just started embollizing. this means there are blood vessels involved. they are blocking them so that they can do the femur surgery without bleeding. this might happen tomorrow.
i feel like i was punched in the stomach. this is hard to take. however, we are comforted. it feels like the most chaotic rollercoaster...yet there is peace.
so now we wait.
I remain confident in this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
-Psalm 27:13-14
17 January 2011
cold january.
as i did last year, i am waiting for january to be over again this year.
january 4th. at 11 weeks pregnant, everything seemed good...until that fateful moment of "let's hear the heartbeat." my midwife searched for a bit, got a "better doppler," all to no avail. there was not a heartbeat to be found. the following day confirmed my greatest fear. the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks; however, my body hadn't accepted that truth yet.
january 7th. my mom and chris sat with me in pre-op as i waited to have a d&e. it was a long hard day.
the weekend was one of recouperation. much needed rest, time with chris and the kids...rest with family.
monday, we began a new path.
my dad has had a difficult 7 months. he had broken his back in the summer. spinal fusion surgery in october. december delivered some good news...a negative battery of testing for bladder cancer. we celebrated christmas together feeling relieved. however, in the back of our minds, we knew something was askew. he was going downhill, and we didn't know why. january 10 began the road to discovery. x-rays, cat scans, mri's, neurosurgeons, neurologists....by thursday we were dealing with the fact that my dad has a brain tumor on his brain stem. his chest is filled with enlarged lymph nodes, adrenals, an "infiltrate" in his right lung (i've been told since that that is fluid of some sort), and a node on his thyroid. tomorrow we will accompany him to an oncologist to learn more.
yesterday i drove chris and the kids to the airport to head to orlando. our family was to be in orlando and go to disneyworld this week. instead, i drove back to my parent's to help my mom, as care for my dad is intense. my nephew and sisters have been bearing the load...i was anxious to get there and be with them. i have had a wonderful time with them. last night we were all there...lura's small church came over to worship in my folk's living room. dad was exhausted, but we got some good conversation in before bed. it's been a long time since lura and i slept over together! but what a joy to wake up at 6am to go with him to wawa for his daily coffee! his mornings are his best times. alert, strong, and able to get around. we got coffee. donuts. came home for breakfast together. we talked and helped him write and check email. he wanted to go again, so my mom, dad and i went out to the carwash and for lunch. by this time, he began to get very tired. by the time we were home, he was absolutely exhausted. my mom and i got him in bed for a nap and he began to weep. he asked me to please read psalms to him. i read psalms 118 and 93before tucking him in.
i want to count this all joy...but it is hard sometimes. i continue to look to the example of peter, as he walked on water to jesus. he looked at the waves around him, and sank, fearing he would drown. i know that suffocating feeling of despair and hopelessness very well. however, i also know the comfort and peace of our Savior and God. i know that keeping my eyes on Him, he will reach out His right hand and pull me up out of the waves so that i can walk on water again.
Isaiah 41:10, 13
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
january 4th. at 11 weeks pregnant, everything seemed good...until that fateful moment of "let's hear the heartbeat." my midwife searched for a bit, got a "better doppler," all to no avail. there was not a heartbeat to be found. the following day confirmed my greatest fear. the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks; however, my body hadn't accepted that truth yet.
january 7th. my mom and chris sat with me in pre-op as i waited to have a d&e. it was a long hard day.
the weekend was one of recouperation. much needed rest, time with chris and the kids...rest with family.
monday, we began a new path.
my dad has had a difficult 7 months. he had broken his back in the summer. spinal fusion surgery in october. december delivered some good news...a negative battery of testing for bladder cancer. we celebrated christmas together feeling relieved. however, in the back of our minds, we knew something was askew. he was going downhill, and we didn't know why. january 10 began the road to discovery. x-rays, cat scans, mri's, neurosurgeons, neurologists....by thursday we were dealing with the fact that my dad has a brain tumor on his brain stem. his chest is filled with enlarged lymph nodes, adrenals, an "infiltrate" in his right lung (i've been told since that that is fluid of some sort), and a node on his thyroid. tomorrow we will accompany him to an oncologist to learn more.
yesterday i drove chris and the kids to the airport to head to orlando. our family was to be in orlando and go to disneyworld this week. instead, i drove back to my parent's to help my mom, as care for my dad is intense. my nephew and sisters have been bearing the load...i was anxious to get there and be with them. i have had a wonderful time with them. last night we were all there...lura's small church came over to worship in my folk's living room. dad was exhausted, but we got some good conversation in before bed. it's been a long time since lura and i slept over together! but what a joy to wake up at 6am to go with him to wawa for his daily coffee! his mornings are his best times. alert, strong, and able to get around. we got coffee. donuts. came home for breakfast together. we talked and helped him write and check email. he wanted to go again, so my mom, dad and i went out to the carwash and for lunch. by this time, he began to get very tired. by the time we were home, he was absolutely exhausted. my mom and i got him in bed for a nap and he began to weep. he asked me to please read psalms to him. i read psalms 118 and 93before tucking him in.
i want to count this all joy...but it is hard sometimes. i continue to look to the example of peter, as he walked on water to jesus. he looked at the waves around him, and sank, fearing he would drown. i know that suffocating feeling of despair and hopelessness very well. however, i also know the comfort and peace of our Savior and God. i know that keeping my eyes on Him, he will reach out His right hand and pull me up out of the waves so that i can walk on water again.
Isaiah 41:10, 13
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
25 November 2010
full.
i am so thankful today that our God, whom we serve, has seen fit to give great gifts to me. i've had this post floating in my head for awhile, waiting for photos to accompany it...but they haven't been snapped. so it's just words...
my belly is full from a day full of delicious food.
my head is full of ideas to fill our home with more warmth and hospitality.
my heart is full with love for my family.
my life is full with gifts, divine and human. blessings, spiritual and material.
my life is full. but not stuffed. and not without room.
i get to live a ridiculous life. one where i have a husband, whom i love so dearly, and who loves me! one where i spend my days with my children, who are so creative, chatty, fun and so...indescribable. one where i get to babysit a friend's very dear daughter for a full day and see her grow and laugh and shine. one where i get to make music with many, many children every week. one where i get to watch in amazement my dear friend, who is blind, play the violin and knit socks from the toe up. one where i get to knit with motley groups of women and share life for a few hours a week. one where i get to see the effects of prayer on a twelve year old boy triumphing through brain cancer. one where i get to rest with a community of friends and believers in the grace and sovereignty of a very loving and mighty God. one where i can enjoy the many fullnesses of life.
today, i am thankful.
my belly is full from a day full of delicious food.
my head is full of ideas to fill our home with more warmth and hospitality.
my heart is full with love for my family.
my life is full with gifts, divine and human. blessings, spiritual and material.
my life is full. but not stuffed. and not without room.
i get to live a ridiculous life. one where i have a husband, whom i love so dearly, and who loves me! one where i spend my days with my children, who are so creative, chatty, fun and so...indescribable. one where i get to babysit a friend's very dear daughter for a full day and see her grow and laugh and shine. one where i get to make music with many, many children every week. one where i get to watch in amazement my dear friend, who is blind, play the violin and knit socks from the toe up. one where i get to knit with motley groups of women and share life for a few hours a week. one where i get to see the effects of prayer on a twelve year old boy triumphing through brain cancer. one where i get to rest with a community of friends and believers in the grace and sovereignty of a very loving and mighty God. one where i can enjoy the many fullnesses of life.
today, i am thankful.
09 October 2010
wooly things
so, remember that excited post that ended with some great fall knitting? remember shalom, knitted in wonderful cascade ecological wool? well, what you hadn't seen, was that same yarn knitted into a complete back of a central park hoodie. then frogged. then set aside. then knit into an entire body of shalom. and now?
frogged.
it just isn't what i want right now! i want this. aidez. a slouchy, comfy, somewhat rustic looking fall cardigan. but, eco wool won't work. so i'm waiting. and knitting a basic cowl out of therapeutic malabrigo. that stuff does wonders for a girls hurt knitting ego.
ps. that's the same yarn i knitted the mara shawl out of for rachel. she needs to send me a photo so i can share!!!
what are you knitting right now?
i found a cute knitting poem online for the kids. and it's seasonally appropriate, so enjoy!
Knitted Things
by Karla Kuskin
There was a witch who knitted things:
Elephants and playground swings.
She knitted rain,
She knitted night,
But nothing really came out right.
The elephants had just one tusk
And night looked more
Like dawn or dusk.
The rain was snow
And when she tried
To knit an egg
It came out fried.
She knitted birds
With buttonholes
And twenty rubber butter rolls.
She knitted blue angora trees.
She purl stitched countless purple fleas.
She knitted a palace in need of a darn.
She knitted a battle and ran out of yarn.
She drew out a strand
Of her gleaming, green hair
And knitted a lawn
Till she just wasn’t there.
frogged.
it just isn't what i want right now! i want this. aidez. a slouchy, comfy, somewhat rustic looking fall cardigan. but, eco wool won't work. so i'm waiting. and knitting a basic cowl out of therapeutic malabrigo. that stuff does wonders for a girls hurt knitting ego.
ps. that's the same yarn i knitted the mara shawl out of for rachel. she needs to send me a photo so i can share!!!
what are you knitting right now?
i found a cute knitting poem online for the kids. and it's seasonally appropriate, so enjoy!
Knitted Things
by Karla Kuskin
There was a witch who knitted things:
Elephants and playground swings.
She knitted rain,
She knitted night,
But nothing really came out right.
The elephants had just one tusk
And night looked more
Like dawn or dusk.
The rain was snow
And when she tried
To knit an egg
It came out fried.
She knitted birds
With buttonholes
And twenty rubber butter rolls.
She knitted blue angora trees.
She purl stitched countless purple fleas.
She knitted a palace in need of a darn.
She knitted a battle and ran out of yarn.
She drew out a strand
Of her gleaming, green hair
And knitted a lawn
Till she just wasn’t there.
06 October 2010
bread.
well, i've been slightly obsessed with mastering some bread. i've abandoned my zoji as i've embraced the dough hook on my hand-me-down-industrial-version kitchen aid mixer. my mom gifted me a stoneware bread pan from pampered chef, and voila. i love this one - 100% whole wheat sandwich bread. delicious. holds up well to toasting, plain butter, or ham and cheese! stella still prefers "fluffy white bread", much to my dismay. however, she happily munches away and slice after slice fo this recipe (sorry, no photo, as the loaf is down to the end...maybe next week.)
1 1/2 c. warm milk (tepid)
1 3/4 c. bread flour
3/4 c. white whole wheat flour
3/4 c. whole wheat flour
2 tbsp. butter
1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp. yeast
i place the warm milk in the bottom of my mixing bowl, then add the remaining ingredients as listed. using the dough hook, mix for 8-10 minutes on med-slow. let rest 5 minutes. mix again for 5 minutes. transfer onto a lightly floured surface and knead by hand for 4-5 minutes. place dough into a lightly oiled glass bowl. i cover it with a damp dishcloth and place it in the oven with the light on for 45 minutes. punch down, replace cover and let riser for another 25 minutes. form into a loaf and place into lightly oiled bread pan. cover, and let rise 30 minutes. preheat oven to 425 degrees. i place a metal pie tin in the bottom as it is heating. 5 minutes before i place my loaf in to bake, i pour about 1/4 cup warm water on the pie tin, to get the oven steamy. place bread in oven and immediately turn oven down to 350. bake for 20 minutes. turn load 180 degrees. bake another 20 minutes. we normally dive right in at this point, but feel free to let it cool!
the 100% whole wheat sandwich bread, adapted from peter reinhart’s whole grain breads recipe is found over here. it is SO good!
anyone want a bread maker? i think i'll get rid of mine now!
01 October 2010
happy october!
i really feel like i wake up in october.
especially this october 1st.
pouring rain all day and night yesterday, but muggy.
then we wake to cool, crisp and cloudy.
since i've been away for so long, i thought i'd share some photos from the day. we had lunch next door at the pizza place and then went to weaver's orchard with nana. it turned sunny and breezy. absolutely beautiful! we came home with quite a haul of apples for pies, pumpkins for pies, decorating and carving, apple cider doughnuts, apple fritters, broccoli and tomatoes, acorn and butternut squash. can you tell i love fall??? we have a birthday coming...(someone will be 8!) and an anniversary (11 years!) i will try to keep you posted. i'm hoping to get back into the swing of this blogging business. i miss it, actually!
hope you are having a wonderful first of october!
especially this october 1st.
pouring rain all day and night yesterday, but muggy.
then we wake to cool, crisp and cloudy.
since i've been away for so long, i thought i'd share some photos from the day. we had lunch next door at the pizza place and then went to weaver's orchard with nana. it turned sunny and breezy. absolutely beautiful! we came home with quite a haul of apples for pies, pumpkins for pies, decorating and carving, apple cider doughnuts, apple fritters, broccoli and tomatoes, acorn and butternut squash. can you tell i love fall??? we have a birthday coming...(someone will be 8!) and an anniversary (11 years!) i will try to keep you posted. i'm hoping to get back into the swing of this blogging business. i miss it, actually!
hope you are having a wonderful first of october!
*********
some farm animals at the orchard...nana loved this one!
some farm animals at the orchard...nana loved this one!
cute bunnies...
i loved this goat on its...goat ramp? if i had a barn, i'd have goats and i'd have a goat ramp, too.
little pumpkins, big pumpkins.
pumpkin picking...
eli wanted a "humungo" one!
thank you, nana, for a wonderful day! we love you!!! xoxox
oh, and, some fall knitting...shalom(ravelry)(free pattern found here)!
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